Another Funny Stories

I love you & I love you too!!

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife: “Listen, this guy’s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.” If he wants s*x, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you.”
To which his wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!”

 

Little Johnny

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, “Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?” “None,” replied Johnny, “cause the rest would fly away.” “Well, the answer is four,” said the teacher, “but I like the way you’re thinking.”
Little Johnny says, “I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?”
“Well,” said the teacher nervously, “I guess the one sucking the cone.”
“No,” said Little Johnny, “the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you’re thinking.”

 

Oh, My IPOD..!!

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately
needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me….
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

 

The Jar

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.” The next day the
85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
“Well, doc, it’s like this–first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.”
The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbor?”
The old man replied, “Yep, none of us could get the jar open.”

 

Little April

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me, April, who created the universe?”
When April didn’t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. “GOD ALMIGHTY!” shouted April and the teacher said, “Very good” and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, “Who is our Lord and Saviour,” But, April didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ‘JESUS CHRIST!” shouted April and the teacher said, “very good,” and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question. “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, “IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I’LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!”
The Teacher fainted.

 

The Train

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son said, “All of you sons of b*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b*tches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we’re going down the tracks.”
The mother went nuts and told her son, “We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.”
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, “All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.” She hears the little boy continue, “For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.”
As the mother began to smile, the child added, “For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b*tch in the kitchen.”

 

My Girl

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, “My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’.”
The second Catholic man chirps, “My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Grace’.”
The third Catholic gent says, “My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says ‘Your Eminence’.”
The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, “My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Holiness’.”
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, “Well ………?”
She proudly replies, “I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38″ DD bust, 24″ waist and 34” hips.
When she walks into a room, everybody says, “Oh My God.”

 

Heart Attack

A man gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
“What’s up?” he says.
“I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone for ambulance, but just as he’s dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Fred is hiding in your closet and he’s got no clothes on!”
The man slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, covering on the closet floor.
“You b*stard,” the man says,” my wife is having a heart attack and you’re running around naked scaring the kids!”

 

Five Important Qualities

1. It’s important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It’s important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It’s important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn’t lie to you.
4. It’s important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It’s very, very important that these four women do not know each other.

 

The Mother

A man had six children and was very proud of his achievement.
He was so proud of himself that he started calling his wife, ‘Mother of Six’, in spite of her objections.  One night they went to a party. He decided that it was time to go home, and wanted to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouted at the top of his voice,”Shall we go home, Mother of Six?”
His wife, irritated by her husband’s lack of discretion shouted back, “Anytime you’re ready, Father of Four!”

 

The Mail Man

Two boys were talking and the one said to the other, “There is a easy way to get what you want.”
The other boy said, “How?” the boy replied, “Tell people you know their secret.”
The boy jumps up and runs to his dad, “I know your secret!” The dad replies, “Please don’t tell your mom heres $10.”
The boy then runs to his mom, “I know your secret!” The mom said, “Please don’t tell your dad here’s $15.”
The boy then decides to try it on the mail man, “I know your secret!” The mail man opened his arms and said, “Come, give your dad a hug!”

 

Timbuktu

A priest and a shepherd from Australia participate in a TV game. After answering all the questions, there is a tie. So both are given one final assignment. It is to write a poem in three minutes, using the word “Timbuktu”. It is city in Africa.
The priest returns with the fruit of his inspiration:
“I was a father all my life,
I had no children, had no wife,
I read the bible through and through
on my way to Timbuktu … ”
The poem makes a great impression, and the priest smells a sweet victory. But then comes the shepherd, with his winning masterpiece:
“When Tim and I to Brisbane went
We met three women cheap to rent.
They were three and we were two,
So I booked one and Tim Booked Two … ”

 

UNLUCKY Young Man

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.
The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
“Well,” he said, “I’ve been seeing this girl for a while and she’s really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight’s “the” night. We’re having dinner with her parents, and then we’re going out. And I’ve got a feeling I’m gonna get lucky after that.”
“Once she’s had me, she’ll want me all the time, so you’d better give me the 12 pack.”
The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.
The girl leans over to him and says, “You never told me that you were such a religious person.”
The boy leans over to her and whispers, “You never told me that your father is a pharmacist.”

 

Pencil or Pen..?

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.
The Russians used a pencil.

 

 

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My Valentine by Martina McBride

If there were no words
No way to speak
I would still hear you
If there were no tears
No way to feel inside
I’d still feel for you

And even if the sun refused to shine
Even if romance ran out of rhyme
You would still have my heart until the end of time
You’re all I need, my love, my Valentine

All of my life
I have been waiting for
All you give to me
You’ve opened my eyes
And showed me how to love unselfishly

I’ve dreamed of this a thousand times before
But in my dreams I couldn’t love you more
I will give you my heart
Until the end of time…
You’re all I need, my love, my Valentine

And even if the sun refused to shine
Even if romance ran out of rhyme
You would still have my heart until the end of time
‘Cause all I need is you, my Valentine
You’re all I need, my love, my Valentine..

White Horse by Taylor Swift

Say you're sorry, That face of an angel
Comes out just when you need it to
As I paced back and forth all this time
Cause I honestly believed in you
Holding on The days drag on
Stupid girl, I should have known, I should have known

[Chorus]
I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet,
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town,
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now it's too late for you
And your white horse, to come around

Baby I was naive,
Got lost in your eyes
And never really had a chance
My mistake, I didn't wanna be in love
You had to fight to have the upper hand
I had so many dreams
About you and me
Happy endings
Now I know

[Chorus]
I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet,
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town,
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now it's too late for you
And your white horse, to come around

And there you are on your knees,
Begging for forgiveness, begging for me
Just like I always wanted but I'm so sorry

Cause I'm not your princess, this ain't a fairytale
I'm gonna find someone someday who might actually treat me well
This is a big world, that was a small town
There in my rear view mirror disappearing now
And its too late for you and your white horse
Now its too late for you and your white horse, to catch me now

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa
Try and catch me now
Oh, it's too late
To catch me now

The Climb by Miley Cyrus

I can almost see it
That dream I’m dreamin
But there’s a voice inside my head saying
“you’ll never reach it”
Every step I’m taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with ’known direction
My faith is shakin
But I gotta keep tryin
Gotta keep my handheld high

There’s always gonna be another mountain.
I’m always gonna wanna make it move.
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I’m gonna have to lose.
Ain’t about how fast I get there.
Ain’t about what’s waitin on the other side.
It’s the climb.

The struggles I’m facing.
The chances I’m taking.
Sometimes might knock me down but
No I’m not breaking.
I may not know it but these are the moments that
I’m gonna remember most, yeah.
I Just gotta keep going.
And I gotta be strong.
Just keep pushing on,
’cause,

There’s always gonna be another mountain.
I’m always gonna wanna make it move.
Always gonna be an uphill battle
But Sometimes I’m gonna have to lose.
Ain’t about how fast I get there.
Ain’t about what’s waitin on the other side.
It’s the climb.

Yeah-yeah

There’s always gonna be another mountain.
I’m always gonna wanna make it move.
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes you’re gonna have to lose.
Ain’t about how fast I get there.
Ain’t about what’s waitin on the other side.
It’s the climb.

Yeah-yeah-yea

Keep on moving,
Keep climbing,
Keep the faith,
Baby

It’s all about,
It’s all about the climb
Keep your faith,
Keep your faith
Whoa, O Whoa

Funny Stories

Trik Diselamatkan

Alkisah 3 (tiga) orang perempuan (orang Jawa, Menado dan Papua) naik pesawat terbang dari Jayapura ke Jakarta. Tiba-tiba ditengah perjalanan pesawat oleng dan rasanya mau jatuh.
Seketika perempuan Jawa tadi ambil bedak dan gincu berdandan cantik sekali, temannya disebelah bingung dan bertanya, “Kenapa koq dandan?”
Dia bilang, “Biasa kalau pesawat mau jatuh yang ditolong pertama kan yang paling cantik.”
Aehhh..perempuan Menado disebelahnya ga bisa terima, lalu dia angkat roknya sampai tinggi.
Teman disebelahnya tanya, “Kenapa kau angkat rok sampai tinggi begitu?”
Dia jawab, “Biasa kalau pesawat jatuh yang pertama ditolong kan yang pahanya putih-putih. “
Hehhh..perempuan Papua sudah emosi sekali mendengar ocehan kedua teman disebelahnya.
Dia lalu membuka baju dan telanjang bulattt….. ….semuanya tampak hitam.
Kedua temannya kaget dan bertanya, “Kenapa telanjang bulat gitu?”
Dengan enteng dia jawab,
“Biasa kalau pesawat jatuh yang paling pertama dicari kan KOTAK HITAM.”

No offense, just a joke :-)

 

 

HARI PALING SIAL

Seorang pria yg sedang putus asa berdiam di bar selama satu setengah
jam cuma memandangi minumannya. Seorang pengemudi truk yg baru
datang langsung meneguk habis isi gelas itu. Si pria langsung menangis.
“Hei, jangan nangis, gitu, dong!” seru si pengemudi truk. “Aku cuma bercanda.
Aku beliin minuman lagi, deh!”
“Bukan, nggak usah. Hari ini merupakan hari terburuk dalam hidupku. Pertama,
aku telat ke kantor. Bosku marah besar dan aku dipecat. Ketika mau pulang,
ternyata mobilku dicuri orang. Trus, pas naek  taksi, ternyata dompet dan kartu
kreditku ketinggalan di dalamnya. Sampai rumah, istriku tidur dengan tukang
kebun. Aku meninggalkan rumah dan datang ke bar ini. Dan pas aku berpikir
untuk mengakhiri hidupku, kau muncul dan meminum racunku.”

 

KANDANG SINGA
Suatu saat di tempat sirkus dikejutkan dengan terbukanya kandang singa.
Pemimpin sirkus : “Hei, mengapa kamu lupa menutup kandang singa sehabis
pertunjukkan tadi malam”?

 

Mick : “Sebetulnya nggak perlu terlalu dipermasalahkan Pak.
Siapa jugaaakk.. yang mau nyuri singa….”

Tunggu

Pada suatu malam, seorang jemaat bermimpi bahwa dia bertemu
dengan tuhan. Dalam mimpi-nya itu terjadilah percakapan sebagai
berikut:
JEMAAT    : “Tuhan, benarkah apabila uang satu milyar itu Kau-anggap
sepeser?”
TUHAN     : “Ya, Benar!”
JEMAAT    : “Dan benarkah bahwa waktu seribu tahun itu Kau-anggap
sedetik?”
TUHAN     : “Ya, Benar!”
JEMAAT    : “Kalau begitu, berilah aku sepeser uang.”
TUHAN     : “Tunggulah sedetik lagi!”

Kisah Pak Dahlan dan Istrinya

Pak Dahlan dan istrinya adalah pasangan suami istri yang rukun, mereka tidak
pernah kelihatan bertengkar meskipun mereka sudah berumah tangga sekitar 60
tahun. Istrinya sangat penurut, apa-apa yang diminta dan disuruh oleh
suaminya selalu dilaksanakan tanpa ada bantahan barang sedikitpun dari
istrinya. Sedangkan pak Dahlan dikenal sebagai seorang yang sangat sabar.

Pak Kasim teman pak Dahlan semasa revolusi fisik menceritakan ihwal kenapa
istrinya pak Dahlan begitu penurut.
Pada tahun 1946 pak Dahlan hendak mengungsi bersama istrinya,kendaraan yang
dipakai adalah delman yang pada waktu itu sudah terbilang mewah jika sebuah
keluarga  mempunyai delman. Baru beberapa kilometer berjalan kuda delman itu
jatuh, mungkin karena kecapekan membawa beban yang sangat berat. Pak Dahlan
bergegas turun untuk membantu kudanya berdiri kembali sambil berseru “satu
!!!”. Ketika beberapa saat kuda itu jalan, kuda tersebut jatuh kembali. Pak
Dahlan bergegas turun membantu kudanya berdiri kembali sambil mengatakan
“dua”. Istrinya keheranan. Ketika perjalanan dilanjutkan, kuda itu jatuh
kembali.Pak Dahlan bergegas turun kembali sambil mengatakan “tiga” lalu pak
Dahlan langsung mengeluarkan pistol di samping celananya lalu
“DOR…DOR…DOR” kuda itu langsung mati. Melihat hal itu istrinya langsung
memarahi sambil memaki-maki pak Dahlan karena sudah menembak kuda
satu-satunya sehingga mereka tidak bisa melanjutkan perjalanannya. Belum
habis marah sang istri, pak Dahlan langsung menyela dengan mengatakan
“satu !!!”.

Sampai sekarang pak Dahlan dan istrinya hidup rukun dan damai….

Sang Pilot

Humor, Seorang pilot yang baru saja lulus dari sekolah penerbangan disuruh
komandan untuk mencoba sebuah helikopter, alangkah malangnya di ketinggian
1000m tiba2x jatuh.
Sang pilot selamat dan ketika diselidiki ternyata tidak ada satupun
kesalahan baik dari menara bandara ataupun mesin.
Lalu banyak yang menjadi penasaran ketika ditanyakan kepada sang pilot, sang
pilot berkata bahwa waktu pertama-tama terbang sang pilot tidak merasakan
apa2,  tetapi pada ketinggian 1000m sang pilot mulai kedinginan.
“lalu,” kata sang pilot “kipas yang diatas saya matiin”, katanya.

Lihat Bung Karno

Sepasang suami istri yg kuper ikut dalam sebuah pesta.
Nyonya rumah: Bung Karno itu mengagumkan sekali, ya!!
Istri: Bung Karno? Wah, Anda benar. Saya suka sekali sama dia.
Baru tadi pagi saya lihat dia naik bis P16 ke arah Blok M.
Seketika orang-orang menatap si wanita dengan pandangan
aneh, termasuk suaminya. Ia menarik istrinya dan berbisik,
“Kita pulang!”
Istri: Mas marah, ya?
Suami: Oh, ya? Kamu nggak sadar? Aku nggak pernah semalu
ini dalam hidupku. Kamu bilang lihat Bung Karno  naik bis P16
ke arah Blok M? Bego banget, sih! Apa kamu nggak tahu kalau
bis P16 itu ke arah Lebak Bulus?!

Just A Cup of Smile

cerita yang bisa bikin kita senyum di sela2 kesibukan:

* Pak Budi seorang pemilik toko pakaian, kaget ketika seorang saingan baru, membuka toko di sebelah kiri dia.
Sebuah spanduk besar telah dipasang, dengan tulisan “PAKAIAN IMPORT
Pak Budi bermasalah untuk kedua kalinya ketika pesaing lain menyewa gedung di sebelah kanannya, dan mendirikan spanduk yang jauh lebih besar,
dengan tulisan “HARGA TERMURAH“.
Pada akhirnya Pak Budi benar-benar depresi, namun keesokan harinya, dia datang dengan sebuah ide.
Dia tidak mau kalah, dia memasang spanduk yang lebih besar dari kedua pesaingnya di tokonya sendiri
… dengan tulisan ….. “MASUKNYA LEWAT SINI” *

** Seorang karyawan menghadap ke bosnya. Ia berkata dengan serius, “Bapak sebaiknya menaikkan gaji saya, sekarang juga.”
“Apa alasannya?” tanya si bos dengan sinis tanpa menoleh sedikit pun.
“Perlu Bapak ketahui, sekarang ini sudah ada lima perusahaan besar dan bonafid yang sedang mengejar-ngejar saya.”
Kali ini si atasan menoleh. Dengan penasaran ia bertanya, “Oh, ya? Perusahaan apa saja itu?” tanyanya dengan nada cemas.
“Citibank, PAM, PLN, TELKOM, dan terakhir BTN.” **

*** Bocor nya reaktor nuklir di Jepang tidak hanya mencemari udara dan darat. Namun juga di sinyalir berakibat pada kontaminasi radiasi laut Jepang, dan tentu saja akan menimbulkan efek pada makhluk hidup laut. Mengingat pada bulan maret – juni ikan laut bermigrasi dari perairan dingin ke perairan hangat. Maka besar kemungkinan ikan laut di perairan Indonesia pun ikut tercemar.
Para pengguna HP banyak mendapat pesan singkat baik berupa SMS, BBM maupun email mengenai hal tersebut.
STOP KONSUMSI IKAN LAUT, KARENA BANYAK TERCEMAR!!
Salam
Dari pedagang ayam ***

**** Seorang polisi sedang bertanya kepada terdakwa, seorang istri yang melakukan pemukulan kepada suami.
Polisi : “apakah yang di katakan suami kepada anda pagi ini”
Istri : “dia mengatakan, ‘sekarang sudah jam berapa Susan?”
Polisi : “lalu kenapa kamu menjadi marah dan memukuli suami anda karena pertanyaan itu.”
Istri : “karena nama saya wulan

***** Gombaler : honey..jangan terlalu lama duduk dikursi itu…pindah sini dekat aku aja
Target : loh emangnya kenapa?
Gombaler : takut dikerubung semut..soalnya kamu kan manis (mantaaap)

Gombaler : honey ..orang tua kamu dulu pengrajin bantal ya?
Target : hah?! bukan, kan kamu tahu pensiunan PNS, emangnya kenapa?
Gombaler : kok deket kamu rasanya nyaman banget… (sing sing …suiiit…suiiiit…)

Gombaler : Kamu itu seperti sendok
Target : Kok sendok? kenapa?
Gombaler : karena Kamu terus mengaduk aduk perasaan aku …(prikitiew )

Target : Say..kalo ibu kamu dan aku tenggelam barengan..siapa yang kamu tolongin?
Gombaler : ya ibukulah…emang kamu yang lahirin aku?
Target : iiiih kammmuuu
Gombaler : iyaaa….tapi habis selamatin ibuku..aku akan tenggelam bersama kamu (horeeeee )

Gombaler : hmmm…maap ya honey belakangan ini tangan aku jadi kasar
Target : ah ga papa ko …. emang kenapa?
Gombaler : soalnya tiap hari aku jadi kuli
Target : yang bener …dimanaa?
Gombaler : di hati kamu sayang…. aku sedang membuat istana cinta buat kita berdua (ajiiiiiiib!!!)

Gombaler : honey ..ayah mama dulu astronot ya
Target : ngga kok
Gombaler : kalo gitu pasti kakek kamu
Target : nggak juga
Gombaler : trus yang astronot siapa?
Target : nggak adaaaaaa
Gombaler : tapi kok ada berjuta-juta bintang dimata kamu…… (ayeeeeee!!)

Gombaler : honey kamu capek ya
Target : kok kamu tau?
Gombaler : Soalnya kamu berlari-lari terus di pikiran papa (uhuuuuuuuiii!!)